BE KINDER

So, it's been a few days. Just busy with life and all that entails for me these days. For those of you keeping track, I've had 8 treatments so far....30+ to go. Things are well in that regard. I'm tired but I think it is for lack of sleep rather than radiation. I got my treatments changed to 9 a.m. so that should help. I'm enjoying my book on CD...The Scarpeta Factor. Some days it seems I see no end to my daily trips. Other days, not so much. Like I say, "Ya gotta do what ya gotta do."

BE KINDER. As many of you know, I got my first tattoo for Christmas from my son. It says simply "BE KINDER". I've adopted this as sort of a mantra. It works for everything. If everyone were a little kinder, the world would be a better place. Starving kids? Be kinder and give them some food. Domestic violence? Be kinder and help the people involved. War? Be kinder. Road rage? Let the other person go first. ...... Try it and see if it works for you.

I ordered wrist bands and have been passing them out. Funny how such a little thing can spark such thought-full conversation. If you want me to send you some let me know and I will. You can help me spread the awareness. Sometimes my mind goes crazy with ideas. In this case, I can almost see a movement of sorts...bumper stickers, T shirts, hats, ads on buses and planes. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Had breakfast with Mom and Dad this morning...the closest I have to a Valentine. For those of you with sweethearts, enjoy every day and celebrate what you have in each other. As for me, I celebrate myself with contentment.

That's it for today.

BE KINDER.

Lucky Shoes

So, here's the picture of my lucky shoes. I've convinced my son, if we win money on the super bowl today, to let me make him a pair!

All is going well as far as my treatments, etc. I've had 3 so far. I met with the oncologist Friday. He talked about starting tamoxifen treatment again. I reminded him that I tried tamoxifen 4 years ago and had horrible headaches and weight gain. Since there is only a 2% benefit for me, the quality of my life is worth more than that and I chose not to take it. I'm feeling good. Going through a few changes with work that are a bit frustrating but will be okay.

Yesterday Dad came over to help with yardwork. His energy amazes me, encourages me. Every year they come to town I have my ongoing list that we whittle away at over the 4 months. I am so thankful for the help and getting the jobs done, but more important is the time we spend together and the little conversations about nothing and everything.

This morning I went to Mom and Dad's for sourdough waffles. Their 55th anniversary is in a couple weeks. My sister came up with the original idea...I got a photo album with a cut out in the center of the cover, in which I put a picture of them on their wedding day. I wrote across the top "Happy 55th" and their wedding date across the bottom. All of us kids and grandkids are going to send anniversary cards and a certain amount of pictures. If everyone follows through they should get 55 pictures for the album. I also took over 4 different colored bouquets of carnations and miniature candy bars. The breakfast was great, the company better. It'll be fun to see the album when its filled.

Not much else happening today, which can be a good thing. I'm wearing my lucky shoes and keeping positive. I'm marking my calendar with big blue numbers after every treatment and looking at each one as another step on the journey.

Have a Super day and whether you watch the game or not...I wish you luck!

Snap Out Of It

I just love this picture! It shows how a part of me feels inside, sort of tough but with a lot of flare. The caption on the picture says "Snap out of it!" A good motto these days.

So, today I had my second radiation treatment...only 34-40 to go. Right now my appointments are at 7:40 a.m. which means I hit the wonderful morning traffic. I'm hoping to get them changed to later in the day. Mostly because I get so frustrated with the traffic that by the time I get there I'm angry and I don't like that. I don't want this to be an angry process. I'm listening to a wonderful mystery book on CDs, so that will definitely help.

I met with the counselor at the cancer center. I built a dollhouse a while ago and decided I wanted to find a mother going through treatments that I could just give it to. This counselor is amazing. One of those people that the second you meet them and shake their hand you immediately feel in the presence of goodness. Anyway, I showed her pictures of the dollhouse and told her my thoughts. Her face brightened and she said, "What do you think about this..." Apparently the center has a huge fundraiser every year and have a silent auction. By the end of the conversation, I had promised my dollhouse for the auction and said between now and then I would furnish it. What could be better than that? This way, a little girl will still get the house, but also I will help raise money for all the programs they offer for free. They have free massages, arts and crafts classes where they display the artwork (all done by cancer patients and survivors), singing groups, support groups, family nights, etc. All of those things are provided free of charge to the patients.

Although this wonderful woman tried her best to get me to commit to about everything, I didn't, but imagine I will get more involved when I'm not so busy. What I would really like to do is take a whole bunch of plain white tennis shoes and a big bag of fabric pens and just wander through the children's ward. I'd love to just sit with a couple kids and help them make their own lucky shoes. (I'll see if I can figure out how to put another picture in this post.) Wouldn't that be an amazing time?! Sounds like I need to get busy.

I've got to get back on a regular schedule of walking. I met Dad yesterday out where he walks everyday. It's an area filled with sagebrush, rabbits, quail, hawks, other birds, and the occasional mud holes...my dogs' favorite part. I forget how much I love to see the dogs doing what dogs do best...running, chasing rabbits, and smelling absolutely everything. By the time we were headed back to the Jeep, they both looked like they had on brown socks and face masks. I swear I heard them giggling as they jumped in the Jeep. I need to do that more often.

Well, that's about it for now. I appreciate you all for reading my thoughts...as mundane as they may be at times...and for thinking of me. So far so good!

Wonderful Family Weekend

So, Friday I went to the surgeon for a followup and so he could take out a stitch that was bothering me. We talked a lot about my experience in recovery. He is going to look into it and let me know more details. We had a positive visit, lighthearted on a serious subject. He commented on my M&M colored fingernail tips and said, "You are a party." I thought about it later and think its a wonderful thing to be.....a party. Better to be fun than not.

My parents had gone with me and then we met my son for lunch and a trip to Bass Pro Shop. A few more stops and then home. When we pulled up in front of my home I was met with the most amazing surprise. My brother, who won't get on a plane unless he's going to Alaska to fish, was sitting on the bench in front of my house with his girlfriend. I was simply overcome with surprise, shock, joy, and love. I cried as I hugged him and he held me tight. He said something like, "Hey Sis. I thought I'd come see how you're doing." I couldn't believe it. My parents had known nothing about it either and were equally surprised.

After a short visit, my parents went home and we spent the evening laughing, talking, and just being. We met my son at the casino and I wore my lucky shoes. Whether it was the shoes, my brother, the lady sitting next to me at the slots, or Divine intervention...I won $400! Amazing! I bought breakfast the next morning. We had an amazing weekend of family time, bird walks, heavy food and conversation. Funny how small a world can be when you are wrapped in a cocoon of family.

Though we spent actually very little time talking about my cancer, I felt so loved and supported simply by their presence. We may not see each other very often but it is understood that in a crisis we are One.

Tomorrow is my sort of rehearsal for my radiation treatments. I will find out what time my appointments will be and when they will actually start. I'll keep you posted.

Until then, if its been a while since you've touched base with your family members, take this as a reminder.

One More Time

So, here I am again...starting a second battle with breast cancer. Damn it. My plan is to use this blog as a journal of my journey. At this moment, I have no idea what words will flow through my fingers or in what order. Things will be what they will be.

So, I've had my surgeries. Oh! That is a story worth telling. I've never had any problems with surgery or anesthesia, that is until the last time. Surgery went fine. Then, in the recovery room I had what is apparently called a laryngeal spasm. I'm told it is a rare phenomenon. I was relaxing in the haze of anesthesia when all the sudden I gasped for breath...I absolutely could not breathe. I grabbed the handrails of the gurney and continued to panic for air. I remember a frenzy of people rushing around, medicines being ordered and being put in my IV. Someone put that rubber bag with mask (Ambu bag) over my face and was pushing air into my mouth and nose. I really have never felt such panic. I remember waiting for them to cut into my neck to place a tracheostomy.

During the extreme panic, my thoughts were so clear. We have all said, "I thought I was going to die." Well, while this was all happening, I Knew I was dying. In all the panic, I remember feeling acutely aware of the fact that everyone knows I love them, that I have lived a true life, that there was nothing I felt was undone in my life. In spite of the frenzy whirling around me, I felt a sense of peace, that it was okay. Then came the thoughts of my family, then sadness. I remember thinking how horrible it was going to be for my parents and son to be told I died. I felt a deep pain for the sorrow I knew the people who loved me would feel. Somewhere in all of this, I remember wondering if there was anything in my home I would be embarrassed to have someone find when they went through all my stuff.

I remember feeling a woman softly but firmly rubbing my arm and talking to me in a soothing calm voice. "You are going to be okay. I'm right here. You are having a laryngeal spasm. It is rare but happens. We know what to do and you will be okay...." I later found out her name was Madonna. How appropriate. Once I had calmed down and regained my breath I was able to relax......to only have it happen a second time. My thoughts are sort of jumbled as to when they actually happened, only know what they were. Sort of like a disjointed dream where you can only remember certain things.

So, this rare thing happened to two other people that day too. Needless to say, I'm on a mission to find out why. Anesthesia? Anesthesiologist? I'll keep you posted.

I was "mapped" yesterday in preparation for radiation to begin probably next week. I must say, it is surreal seeing all the same people that traveled this journey with me four years ago. Definitely an unwanted reunion, but...I am certainly blessed to have found the compassionate people I have along the way. Again, God is working in wonderful ways in my life. He continues to know what and who I need when and where. It truly is amazing.

Well, that's it for today.

Peace

Peace we think As we hear of another casualty of war. Peace we whisper As we watch tragedy unfold on TV. Peace we say As we read newspapers of violence. Peace we sing As we attend our churches and healing places. Peace we shout As we attend rallies and vigils for the victims. Peace we scream As we wash the blood from our sidewalks and driveways. Peace we cry. As we fold ourselves in helplessness. Peace we pray.

Beach Feet

So, I just got back from a long wonderful weekend in Oregon. My sister, Janet, picked me up at the airport and from the first hug I knew I was in for an amazing time. We drove in her car filled with buttons and knick-knacks about peace and love and acceptance. We called Mom and she said she wished she was in the back seat spending time with us. At Starbucks, the waitress put an empty chair at our table and we immediately felt Mom was with us. Janet took out an index card and wrote "MOM" on the card. We took a picture of Mom in the back seat. We went to a few different stores looking for a sweatshirt for Ava, my granddaughter. Picture of Mom at Fred Myers and Old Navy. We went to Barnes and Noble and bought colorful little books to write dreams, plans, ideas, and BE KINDER inspirations. Picture of Mom on a shelf of books.

Next we went to the library in Prineville so I could see where Janet checks her email. Picture of Mom on the shelf between the computers we were using. We met Dan, Janet's husband at a Mexican restaurant for a delicious chicken chimichunga and company. Picture of Mom at dinner. We stopped at a little grocery store for snacks and stopped at another place and got lottery tickets, taking pictures of Mom along the way.

At Janet's home, Mom sat on the couch and posed with bunnies in the warmth of the fire. Janet has thoughts and sayings all over her walls and shelves and shelves and fridge. It is a homey home. We spent hours sitting at the table drawing on my jeans bag, sweatshirts, and our books. The company was great. We seem to inspire each other. We enjoy each other. I slept on the comfortable couch with an ergonomic pillow.

The next morning Dan went out early and brought me coffee and I helped him figure out how to take pictures and put them with the names on his phone. We left for Portland early and met a strong, healthy-looking coyote on the road. The drive was beautiful with the mountains, trees turning color, and the river along the side of the road. We shared deep conversations, opinions, advice, and just listened. We are a lot the same. We are a lot different. We are parts of each other.

We got to Tayo, my son's house. Sigh. I love him so much. Ava giggled when I tickled her and loved her sweatshirt. We took pictures of Mom and the group. We gathered our things and left for the dollhouse show. Ava loved seeing all the little things and had to touch everything. She would pet toy animals and pretend to drink from little cups. I bought her a swing-set to keep on their fireplace mantel until I could get her dollhouse from Arizona to Oregon. We took a picture of mom in front of a display of little dollhouse people.

We left for the beach. Tayo drove. We talked and sang songs and enjoyed the nature outside and company inside. The time at the beach was amazing. They had predicted rain and wind and it was sunny and dry...still cold and breezy...but sunny. We walked on the beach and Ava and I walked in and ran from the cold water. "Gramma Sandra, I want hot water!" Squealing, laughing and crying all at the same time. We took pictures. Janet put her thongs on the beach and I propped Mom up and stepped back to take a picture. Mom decided she wanted to run in the wind. I had to chase her down the beach, all the while laughing and hearing Janet, Tayo, and Ava laughing too. We finally got the picture and went up to walk through the little shops of Seaside. A salt water taffy store with 171 flavors. Picture of Mom in her favorite black licorice taffy bin. Ava rode a carousel...all by herself. We went to a restaurant for dinner, and took Mom with us.

After dinner, we went back down to the beach to watch the sunset. Amazing....as always. I took the picture of our feet then. It is funny how many thoughts this picture provokes in me. I think of the physical part of the picture, like being close. I think of where those feet have walked and will walk. I think about what it would be like to have a different pair of feet. We took a few other pictures but it was took dark to really feel the atmosphere. Tayo drove us the hour back to his home. Ava serenaded us with school and church songs. We finally figured out where her fear of trolls came from. Topic for another blog. It was a peaceful, comforting, closer-growing drive.

At Tayo's, Ava fixed Janet's hair and we all just visited and learned more about each other. Tayo moved Ava's mattress out to the floor and settled her in under a quilt that Mom had made her. We took pictures. I read a Winnie The Pooh story to her and we were ready for bed when Ava jumped up and announced that she was "sleeping with my daddy". With a quick wave and grin she was gone.

In the morning, Tayo drew in a square on my bag. Ava did too. We talked about my BE KINDER campaign and the room was alive with positive energy. Tayo drew a tattoo on my wrist BE KINDER. The touch was heart-warming. I gathered sticks with moss from their backyard to add little birds to for the fireplace mantel and to take home. We packed up the car, hugged a little bit tighter, and waved as I felt part of my heart being left behind.

Janet and I drove through wet roads and fall-colored trees and found a tasty bakery with calories just oozing from everything. This bakery/country store had old fashioned taffy, candy, pop, and toys. We took a picture of Mom in front of a display of cream-puffs and ate sandwiches and cookies. When Janet and I drive places we like to ask questions. We take turns and both answer the questions and explore the answers. It is an amazing way to learn about each other and ourselves. Sometimes the answers are surprising. Those times are some of my favorite memories. Janet dropped me off at my brother Doug's home and we hugged a little tighter.

Doug. Oh, I love my brother. He is sort of gruff and talks a little tough, but the sparkle and glint in his eyes gives him away. I took a picture of Mom on his drum set and Mary, Doug's girlfriend took a picture of Mom, Doug, and I. It was fun getting caught up with each other and talking about things from our childhood. Funny how memories are different depending on what your perspective was at the time. I shared my plans for, and thoughts about, BE KINDER. Patrick, Mary's brother was accepting of it and thought it was a good idea. Mary thought it was a nice idea. Doug gave me a bad time, jokingly. "Why do you need to remind yourself to be kinder? By writing that on your arm, aren't you saying you're not kind enough?..." It was all in good fun. They fed me pork-chops, salad and wonderful baked potatoes with spices. Doug and Mary went to bed and Patrick and I stayed up late talking and sharing about how messed up the world seems to be. About how nice things were for the 6 months after 911. He went to bed and I called Mom to check in and share about my day.

The next morning, Doug and Patrick left early to get supplies for a plumbing job later. Mary and I spent the morning visiting and watching Dr. Oz. When Doug came home, he bent my bracelet into a ring for me and packed up my things. He picked two strawberries for me. I ate one and the other one was heart-shaped so I saved it. In the truck I said, "I know you think I'm a little hokie sometimes Doug. But, I think that I am a bright spot in your life." He laughed, smiled, and glanced at me with those sparkling eyes. "Yeah." He helped me into the airport and hugged me hard when I left.

So, you'd think that was the end of my trip. When I got home, I called and told Doug I made it okay. He said, "You lost something off your bag. It is on a green ribbon and was in the truck." (I have probably 10-15 different charms and things hanging off my bag.) I said, "Oh, heck. What was it?" He said, "It was on a green ribbon and was silver. Let me go get it out of the truck." I was trying to remember what charm it was. He came back to the phone and said, "Okay, it's on a green ribbon, little silver charm and it says.........Be Kind." I laughed so hard. "See! You're supposed to have that!" We both laughed and bantered back and forth. He said he was going to mail it to me, throw it out the window, etc. But, I bet he'll leave it in his truck's console and think of that moment whenever he sees it.

It was an amazing, thought-filled, miracle moment-filled, memory-making trip. I can't wait to do it again.

Today's challenge: Take a picture of your feet with a friend or family member.