One More Time

So, here I am again...starting a second battle with breast cancer. Damn it. My plan is to use this blog as a journal of my journey. At this moment, I have no idea what words will flow through my fingers or in what order. Things will be what they will be.

So, I've had my surgeries. Oh! That is a story worth telling. I've never had any problems with surgery or anesthesia, that is until the last time. Surgery went fine. Then, in the recovery room I had what is apparently called a laryngeal spasm. I'm told it is a rare phenomenon. I was relaxing in the haze of anesthesia when all the sudden I gasped for breath...I absolutely could not breathe. I grabbed the handrails of the gurney and continued to panic for air. I remember a frenzy of people rushing around, medicines being ordered and being put in my IV. Someone put that rubber bag with mask (Ambu bag) over my face and was pushing air into my mouth and nose. I really have never felt such panic. I remember waiting for them to cut into my neck to place a tracheostomy.

During the extreme panic, my thoughts were so clear. We have all said, "I thought I was going to die." Well, while this was all happening, I Knew I was dying. In all the panic, I remember feeling acutely aware of the fact that everyone knows I love them, that I have lived a true life, that there was nothing I felt was undone in my life. In spite of the frenzy whirling around me, I felt a sense of peace, that it was okay. Then came the thoughts of my family, then sadness. I remember thinking how horrible it was going to be for my parents and son to be told I died. I felt a deep pain for the sorrow I knew the people who loved me would feel. Somewhere in all of this, I remember wondering if there was anything in my home I would be embarrassed to have someone find when they went through all my stuff.

I remember feeling a woman softly but firmly rubbing my arm and talking to me in a soothing calm voice. "You are going to be okay. I'm right here. You are having a laryngeal spasm. It is rare but happens. We know what to do and you will be okay...." I later found out her name was Madonna. How appropriate. Once I had calmed down and regained my breath I was able to relax......to only have it happen a second time. My thoughts are sort of jumbled as to when they actually happened, only know what they were. Sort of like a disjointed dream where you can only remember certain things.

So, this rare thing happened to two other people that day too. Needless to say, I'm on a mission to find out why. Anesthesia? Anesthesiologist? I'll keep you posted.

I was "mapped" yesterday in preparation for radiation to begin probably next week. I must say, it is surreal seeing all the same people that traveled this journey with me four years ago. Definitely an unwanted reunion, but...I am certainly blessed to have found the compassionate people I have along the way. Again, God is working in wonderful ways in my life. He continues to know what and who I need when and where. It truly is amazing.

Well, that's it for today.