Gramma Sandra's Weekend

(We are missing one pair of small feet in this picture.)

So, it has been a while since I've put words here.  I've been busy with work, painting chairs, painting shoes, work, and last weekend spent time with my son and ohsoawesomemakesmyheartmelt granddaughter. 

I think I am going to officially change my name to "Gramma Sandra", simply because I absolutely love the way I feel inside when I hear it.  I flew into Redmond on Friday where my sister Janet picked me up and we spent the afternoon doing sister stuff, i.e., shopping and eating.  We inspire each other.  We enjoy each other.  We bring out the best in each other.  Dinner with Dan and Aron.  Then we went to the Prineville cemetery to look at headstones for Dan's folks.  It was an amazing feeling to just stand and feel the souls of so many people that have passed.  I looked up and there were probably ten deer wandering through the trees and resting places.  It was truly an amazing site.  The evening was spent painting shoes and just enjoying each other's company.  We laugh.

Saturday morning we drove to Portland, finally taking the dollhouse to Ava.  When we got there, Ava ran into my arms yelling "Gramma Sandra".  She wrapped her arms and legs all the way around me and held on.  I've never felt anything like that before.  I almost cried.  Seeing my son always makes me smile and sigh.  I am so proud of him, the father he is, the leader he is, the man he is.  I am so thankful for having him back in my life.  I feel the presence of his mom stronger when we are together.  It is a beautiful feeling.

A little while later, the door opened and in run my son's girlfriend's two amazing little girls screaming, "Gramma Sandra!  Gramma Sandra!"  They practically jumped into my lap with hugs and lots of laughter.  I was thinking to myself, "Manoman, that happened fast.  This morning I had one granddaughter and now I have three."  Could I be any more blessed?  My son's girlfriend is a beautiful young woman and I could feel the comfortableness between the two of them.  She is expecting my second....well, I guess now my fourth...grandchild in April.  They have blended this band of little people in a way that I could hardly see the lines.  The girls act like sisters act together and yet have the friends mentality too.  It is like a quiet whirlwind of color, energy, and curiosity all swirling about.  I am blessed to have been a part of it.

We went to an IMAX movie about bugs and went out for dinner.  I painted their toenails the color of mine (blue, green, yellow, orange and red).  They played with Janet's hair.  When they went to bed, we brought the dollhouse in from the car and I felt like Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.  While I was setting up the dollhouse, the adults had amazing and enlightening conversations.  I could see the "learning about each other" as if it were a tangible thing in the room and it was a good thing.

Sunday morning breakfast and a walk in the sun down a wonderful paved path looking for bugs and spiders.  The movie had an obvious impact on these thirsty minds.  Funny how much more aware one is when things are fresh in your mind.  The other gramma came for a quick introduction and visit.  This woman has a warm aura that surrounds her.  I was glad she came by.

We hugged our good-byes with I love you and so nice to meet you.  We left, me in a flurry of emotions.  I was exhilarated by the pure energy of my grandCHILDREN.  I was sad to be leaving.  I was thankful for having had the time.  I was feeling like there were things left undone and unsaid.  I was missing them already.  I was happy to see my son and his girlfriend happy and doing well.

The drive to Bend was one of quiet thoughts and observations about the weekend topped off with a crisp bean burrito from Taco Time.  The time I spend with my sister is always enlightening....for us both.  We are so different and yet so the same.  This is the second time we have made this trip and both agree we need to do it more often.  My hope is that Mom will be able to join us sometime.  What a hoot that would be.

I spent the night with my brother.  So nice to have him to myself, although I truly enjoy his girlfriend and her brother.  We ate tacos and had deep conversations.  He really is an insightful soul.  Funny, how we continue to grow and find out things about each other that we've never known before.  I wish things were easier for him and will be glad when he's got company in the house again.  Monday morning, I went to the office with him and then he took me on a drive around Bend.  Memories are amazing things.  His daughter came to see me off at the airport...what a tall beautiful girl she is.

So, that was my trip.  It is amazing how much we can pack into a few days.  What was my favorite part?  All of it.  I think when things happen that fast and steady, it takes me a few days later to take it all in.  I'm still feeling warm on the inside for all the love that surrounded me.  I can still hear those girls saying, "Gramma Sandra" and it makes me smile.

Does your name being called make you smile?

My Acceptance Speech

Hi There.  I've missed writing.  Just busy, busy, busy.  Anyway, today's blog is actually an assignment.  Every week for the past year and a half my sister, mom and I come up with something we need to do for the week.  We've had an amazing time sharing and keeping in touch with each other.  This week, our project was:  You are being honored at a banquet held for you for something you have done.  You will also receive a $500,000 award.  Your assignment is to write your acceptance speech.  So, below is that speech.  I must admit, it has been fun to imagine this actually happening.  I hope you are all well.  Enjoy.

Welcome everyone and thank you for coming tonight. We are here to honor a not so ordinary woman for her dedication to making the world a kinder place. Sandra has become a good friend to Portia and me. Funny, I had always thought of myself as a kind person, but she has really opened my mind and heart and now I’m even more aware of the everyday things we can all do to improve the lives of others. What started as a simple mantra for her has turned into a worldwide movement. Her imagination and creativity are like nothing I’ve seen before. I can’t wait to see what she comes up with next. And with that, I would like to introduce you to my new kind friend, Sandra Lee Avery.

(Applause)

(Laughter) Thank you so much, Ellen. Wow. I'm so glad you finally responded to my barrage of emails and snail mail. I always knew we would become good friends. I’m thankful for that.

Hi Everyone. I’ve got to admit, I’m a little overwhelmed by all of this, extremely thankful and feeling so blessed, but overwhelmed. I’m often asked how all this being kinder thing started. Ya know. I can’t remember the exact moment or the incident that sparked it. I remember being with my sister.  Janet, I love you so much. I love the way our energy flows so quickly together. Anyway, before that, I had been writing BE KINDER on my wrist with a permanent marker for a couple of months. When she and I were together on a trip to see my son and granddaughter, the idea just sort of snowballed. I guess I just began to look at things and people in a different way...the way of being kinder. Then for Christmas, my son Christopher -- I love you too Bud -- took me with my eyes closed to a tattoo parlor where he had already paid for my BE KINDER tattoo. I love it! My parents, oh...Mom and Dad...I love you and thank you for how you raised us to be respectful and caring about other people. You really are the origins of my campaign. We have always been taught to be kind to each other, animals, nature, and to be appreciative of what we have. I guess you could say I became a little obsessed with getting people to be kinder. My granddaughter Ava, Hi Honey, wears shoes that say BE KINDER and her dad and my son Tayo is doing wonderful things every day to make his space kinder.  I love you both very much.

There is not a situation in the world that couldn't be made better by being kinder. We see starving and neglected children. We need to be kinder and feed and care for them. We see animals being abused and destroyed in our oceans and forests. We need to be kinder and protect them. We see friends and strangers treating people horribly both physically and verbally. We need to be kinder and step in to diffuse the situations and get both sides help. We see manufacturers, companies and individual people destroying our natural resources and nature. We need to all work together to find ways to be kinder to our earth. We see homeless people on the street and walk right past them. We need to be kinder and acknowledge that they exist. We need to be kinder and figure out a system where every American can have a safe place to sleep at night. We see young people completely out of control, whether because they have no parental supervision or whether they have simply gotten involved with the wrong people. We need to be kinder and mentor those children and guide them by example and education.

Needless to say, the list goes on and on. There are the basic everyday ways we can be kinder. I promise all of you, if you really look around you, at any given time of the day, you will find some way in which being kinder will make your space better.

I know all of you are wondering what I'm going to do with the $500,000 dollars. Man, that is a lot of money. (laughter) First of all, I'm going to be kinder to my family and take us all on a trip to an island somewhere where we can just hang out and enjoy each other in the sun. (more laughter). I don't have any definite plans, but am sure I will buy more wristbands, T-shirts, bumper stickers, etc. I would like to put billboards up all over the place. I'd like to pay for people who want to get BE KINDER tattoos. Maybe I will try to develop a program for schools, maybe call it BE KINDER 101. (laughter) Maybe I'll write a book about ways to be kinder and ask you all to send me the ways being kinder has affected your lives. Honestly, there are so many things that can be done. I still can't believe that I finally have the means to do those things.

I want to thank my family for their love and support and for indulging me in my sometimes-crazy ideas. I honestly feel so blessed every day to be a part of a family that truly do love and care about each other. And to my friends, new and old, my life is better for having all of you in it.

Well, that's about it. I just want to say, in closing, that I am humbled by this award and so thankful for it. I look at it not so much as Me being honored, but rather Being Kinder being honored and if I can be the instrument through which that works then I am blessed. Thank you again, so much and remember -- BE KINDER.

Ashton Kutcher Exclusive Plea

It's been a while.  I hope you are all doing well and that all is as it should be in your lives.  I've been busy.  Trying to get in touch with Ashton Kutcher, working extra to get some of these medical bills paid off, watering plants trying to keep them alive in this heat, and just living.

So, this will be a short blog. But, I wanted to ask you to do me a favor and pass my You Tube video link on to anyone and everyone you know.  My son has an awesome idea that he needs Ashton Kutcher's help with.  I'm sworn to secrecy but, when it works out, I'll make sure to let everyone know.  I sort of made a fool of myself, but then there's no limit to what we will do to help our children. 

Here's the link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXJPYiQiM6o .  If you can't get there, then go to You Tube and type in ASHTON KUTCHER EXCLUSIVE PLEA.  The more people who view it and comment on it, the better chance I will have that he will actually see it.  Thank you so much!

Okay, that's it for today.  I gotta get back to it. 

Do something for a child today.

Sisters

So, Janet and I had an absolutely awesome time while she was here visiting.  The tea was a big success.  The last number I heard was $35,000 that was raised for all the craft, family services, therapy, etc.  I'm not sure how much my dollhouse brought in because of the way the raffle tickets were sold.  You just bought them and then put them in whatever fish bowl you wanted.  But, everyone was really impressed.  I even passed out a few cards to people who might be interested in having me make a dollhouse for them.  That would be fun.

Anyway, back to my sister's visit.  We have a way of feeding off each other's energy.  We are convinced that with Mom's help we could solve the world's problems.  She brings out the better, nicer, parts in me and I think I inspire the creative part of her spirit. We wear lots of rings and jewelry, and draw tattoos on each other.  We laugh.  Janet said, "It's a good thing we weren't like this when we were kids or Mom and Dad might not have let us hang out together too much."  We laughed and uncapped another pen.

We disagree completely about the new Arizona immigration law.  She is all about peace and welcoming everyone.  She is against asking everyone to show proof of residency.  I support the law completely.  I think there is a misconception by many that it is all about racial profiling. It is not.   It is about us providing free health care, social services, interpreters in schools, financial aid, etc. The facts are the facts.  There are thousands of people that come to Arizona illegally.  The jails are filled with people that are illegal.  They are not in jail only because they are illegal but rather because they are drug dealers, smugglers, coyotes, robbers, murderers, etc.  They are in the cells next to the Americans who have committed the same crimes.  Ha!  Let me step down off this soap box and get back to the blog.  While these two sisters disagree about the current law, we do agree that something needs to be done to fix the problem.

Anyway, we are a complimentary pair.  We are about being kinder, more observant, more tolerant, more sensitive to the needs of others.  We both wish for more peace and rainbows.  She sees the good in  most things quicker than I do.  She sees the possibilities where as I see the work the possibilities take.  She sees the underlying meanings behind why people do and think things.  I see the things people do and think and wonder why.  Surprisingly, we are both a little too judgemental sometimes.  She has more patience than I do for things and people that are just "not right".  She tends to pray and send positive thoughts and feelings that things and people will be better.  I tend to be more confrontational.  We both love birds and nature and find the messages in what crosses our paths at the perfect times.  There is a message for us in everything.  Like I said, we are a complimentary pair.

We are all products of our parents, our upbringing, and life's experiences.  Thank God...and I do everyday...that our parents raised us to have respect for each other, animals, and nature.  Funny how we all turned out a little different but our core values are inherently the same.

So, that's it for today.  I wish for you all a sister like mine.

Energy's back. Busy. Busy. Busy.

Hi again, it's been a while. I'm so happy to say that my energy is back and I've been busy, busy, busy.  I finished the dollhouse for the tea raffle. That is on May 8th.  My hope is that it will bring in a couple thousand dollars to benefit the programs offered at the center where I got my radiation treatments.  They have family nights, craft programs for kids, field trips, and lots of other things for the patients and their families to do.  I like the idea of helping out on a smaller level, rather than having the money disappear into some scientific, miscellaneous place....although I think those things are just as important.  Anyway, I'll let you know how it turns out.

So, I am waiting for Ellen to call me. I sent her a package with BE KINDER wrist bands, BE KINDER magnets, and "LAUGH. DANCE. BE KINDER." T-shirts I made for her and Portia. I wrote a letter asking her to mention "BE KINDER" on her show and wrote about how awesome it would be if just half of the people she reaches every day would be a little kinder what an awesome thing that would be! I also told her if she told me her shoe size I'd make her a pair of lucky shoes. Lol. I told her if she told me how many audience members she has then I would send BE KINDER wrist bands for them all. I can't wait to see what happens next!

My sister is coming to visit for a week, next Monday, and I'm really looking forward to being able to spend some relaxing time with her. The last time she was here I was so preoccupied with my breast cancer and all that entailed, I really was present at all. We have a way of grounding each other and it seems we spark each other's creative energy. Who knows what new missions will come out of this visit. I'll keep you all posted.

My folks are back in Alaska....and that's about all I have to say about that.  Lol.  I miss them so much when they're not here. Seriously though, they love it there and I am so thankful for the time they spend in Arizona.

My son and I planted a salsa garden in the back yard.  What fun that was.  I'm forever thankful that even though he's 27 he still enjoys spending time with Mom every once in a while. We planted different kinds of tomatoes, onions, cilantro, peppers, and I had to add some strawberries to cleanse the palate. Lol. We'll see how it grows.

Well, that's about it. Just wanted to touch base with those of you who have been wondering what I've been up to. I'll try to be a little more diligent about keeping in touch.

Until next time, please keep the positive energy flowing.  It really does make a difference...for all of us.

Everything Is Coming Up Roses

Hi again.  It's been a while.  I'm feeling good, almost back to my normal.  Everyday I am pushing myself and refusing to sit still for too long.  I'm exhausted when I go to bed, but makes for a good night's sleep.

This is a picture of the roses that are growing outside my bedroom window.  So nice to wake up to sunshine, blue sky and roses.  I've been busy planting flowers and shaping up the yard.  My dad, son, and I painted my house.  Ya know how when you get new furniture then your carpet looks bad?  Same thing with getting the house painted, my yard needs work.  It's coming together nicely and so relaxing for me and keeps me busy now that Mom and Dad have gone back to Alaska.

I'm also working on the dollhouse getting it ready for the cancer support tea in May.  It's fun to think about the money it will bring in on the raffle for the cancer program for kids.  Also fun to imagine some little happy face when they are surprised with it.  I hope I'll be able to see a picture.  I'm busy painting furniture, pictures, toys, etc.  Funny how real it seems to me.

I've been passing out my BE KINDER wrist bands and almost have my package together to send to Ellen.  Wouldn't that be something to have her mention my intention on her show?!  If any of you need more of them, let me know.  If I let my mind go, I can imagine everyone in the world wearing them....and being kinder.  What a wonderful concept.

Well, that's it for today.  As I read over this, I don't see any real words of wisdom, but rather evidence of my back to living life....which is a good thing.

Today Is A Good Day!

Whooooohooooooo! My treatments are over. Thank God....and I do. What a long couple of months it has been. Now, I've just got a couple of weeks and then my energy and stamina will be back to my usual busygogogo self.

Friday was a great day. Mom went with me to my last treatment, helped me carry cinnamon rolls, thank you notes and BE KINDER wrist bands for the people that have walked this journey with me for the past few months. There were lots of hugs and tears of happiness, sadness, and simple relief. There is a cow bell that hangs by the front desk at the center. Whenever anyone finishes their treatments, they get to ring the bell. What a beautiful sound that was...cheers and clapping. It was sprinkling rain when we went back out to the car. Mom gave me a beautiful little beaded bag that was Gram's and a gold ring with rubies that belonged to someone in the family, "something special to remember this day".

Mom and I went for Starbucks and then home where Christopher and dad were getting ready to paint the outside of the house. Miraculously, the sun came out. Mom and I went to a movie, picked up hamburgers for the painters, and spent the afternoon just enjoying the company and peace of the day. The house looks awesome, so clean, an "inside a Three Musketeers candy bar" color. We shared a spaghetti meal together and Dad's rhubarb pie for dessert. Awesome, awesome day.

Yesterday I had to go to driving school for a ticket I got on the first day of my treatments...how ironic that my class was the day after my last treatment. Lol! Sort of like a finale.

Then, the most amazing thing. When I walk the dogs, we look at birds and are fortunate enough every once in a while to see a quail or 2. I love them. Mom and Dad have tons of them in their backyard that they feed, but I have never seen one anywhere in my neighborhood. Late afternoon I was talking to Mom on the phone about how relieved I was to be able to get back on track, the driving school being done, new beginnings. At that moment, I looked outside and over by my palm tree what do you think I saw? Yep, a single quail. Can you believe it?! I really wanted to get a picture but was too afraid if I moved I'd scare him off, so I just watched him. He was pretty quick to hop through the fence and leave. I put out some food in case he comes back. Whether he comes back or not really doesn't matter (although I would love it if he did) because he served his purpose, delivered his message if you will.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thank you to all of you who have been following this little journal of my journey with me and for all your thoughts and prayers. You can officially move me down on your lists.

Enjoy your day, and keep your eyes and hearts open. Who knows, you might be blessed by a metaphorical quail.

I'm Still Standing

Yes, I'm still standing, maybe leaning a little bit from tiredness but have a party on my toenails and my feet in the cool grass. When I first looked at this picture I noticed the shadow to the right. My thought was, "Hmmm, that is the shadow of the battle my body is waging against the radiation, the darkness that seems to envelope my energy and follow me everywhere, the veil of negative energy from the breast cancer itself." Then, as often happens, my mind felt a nudge as if a reminder. Perhaps the shadow is the presence of God, or Jesus, or whatever you may believe, standing beside me, ever present with me on this journey. Holding me up in a sense.

So, that leads to all kinds of thoughts if I let my mind wander. Where do I stand? What do I stand on? Who stands with me? It is a metaphorical question I realize, but one worth considering.

Sometimes I feel I'm standing or sinking alone in quicksand, an overwhelming sense of despair and panic seeming to push or pull me down. Those are dark times.  Sometimes I feel I'm floating in a haze of relaxed confusion, not standing at all. I don't feel the presence or lack of presence of anyone, but rather not really feeling anything at all.  Sometimes I feel I'm standing on a wobbly bridge held only by fraying ropes, staggering and struggling to get to the other side and yet not quite sure what I'm trying to get to.

Sometimes, probably most of the time, I'm standing on a firm sand dune with friends and family, some closer than others, some simply there without saying anything, others close enough to reach out and touch, and still others crowding me pushing close as if trying to make sure I know they are there. I feel warm. I feel remembered. I feel responsible. I feel thankful and blessed.

So, I guess the important thing is, no matter where you stand or who is standing with you, that you continue to stand...wobbly or not...and recognize the shadows for what they are and what they mean in your life.....and be thankful.

Only 5 more boost treatments to go! Friday will be a good day.

Where are you standing and with who?

Every Day Is A Good Day

It's been a while. I'm still here, tired but here. I've had 21 radiation treatments so far and am so thankful I only have to have 33 this time. Whoohoo! Funny how the treatments are so focused on my right breast and yet seem to be affecting my whole body and brain. I feel as if I'm in a fog a lot of the time. The doctor says it is because my whole body is fighting against the radiation. Oh well, no wonder I'm tired. In spite of the circumstances, there are little blessings all along the way. The people I see everyday are amazing and funny. I'm comfortable with them.

Anyway, otherwise I've been busy with Mom and Dad. Dad and I are going to paint the outside of the house. He is simply amazing in all the hard work he is doing with the preparation. We both love Home Depot! Christopher is almost all moved back in. He's going to get his bills paid off and move to a less expensive place closer to work. He's so smart about finances and plans. He's not looking forward to my constant "turn it down, clean it up, put it away" comments, but thankful to have a place to be. It'll be nice to have him around....for a while, she said with a grin.

That's about it for today. I'm enjoying the blessings and miracles that happen in my life everyday. The sun is starting to shine again and listening to the birds in the morning is a wonderful sound. Funny how sometimes they seem louder than others. Have you ever just sat outside and listened? I mean really listened? It's amazing how much we miss in the busy-ness of our daily lives. I'm trying to be more present in the moment and not think so much about what's going to happen next. I'm trying to appreciate those little things and recognize them for the impact they have on my life.

Enjoy the moment!

BE KINDER

So, it's been a few days. Just busy with life and all that entails for me these days. For those of you keeping track, I've had 8 treatments so far....30+ to go. Things are well in that regard. I'm tired but I think it is for lack of sleep rather than radiation. I got my treatments changed to 9 a.m. so that should help. I'm enjoying my book on CD...The Scarpeta Factor. Some days it seems I see no end to my daily trips. Other days, not so much. Like I say, "Ya gotta do what ya gotta do."

BE KINDER. As many of you know, I got my first tattoo for Christmas from my son. It says simply "BE KINDER". I've adopted this as sort of a mantra. It works for everything. If everyone were a little kinder, the world would be a better place. Starving kids? Be kinder and give them some food. Domestic violence? Be kinder and help the people involved. War? Be kinder. Road rage? Let the other person go first. ...... Try it and see if it works for you.

I ordered wrist bands and have been passing them out. Funny how such a little thing can spark such thought-full conversation. If you want me to send you some let me know and I will. You can help me spread the awareness. Sometimes my mind goes crazy with ideas. In this case, I can almost see a movement of sorts...bumper stickers, T shirts, hats, ads on buses and planes. If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Had breakfast with Mom and Dad this morning...the closest I have to a Valentine. For those of you with sweethearts, enjoy every day and celebrate what you have in each other. As for me, I celebrate myself with contentment.

That's it for today.

BE KINDER.

Lucky Shoes

So, here's the picture of my lucky shoes. I've convinced my son, if we win money on the super bowl today, to let me make him a pair!

All is going well as far as my treatments, etc. I've had 3 so far. I met with the oncologist Friday. He talked about starting tamoxifen treatment again. I reminded him that I tried tamoxifen 4 years ago and had horrible headaches and weight gain. Since there is only a 2% benefit for me, the quality of my life is worth more than that and I chose not to take it. I'm feeling good. Going through a few changes with work that are a bit frustrating but will be okay.

Yesterday Dad came over to help with yardwork. His energy amazes me, encourages me. Every year they come to town I have my ongoing list that we whittle away at over the 4 months. I am so thankful for the help and getting the jobs done, but more important is the time we spend together and the little conversations about nothing and everything.

This morning I went to Mom and Dad's for sourdough waffles. Their 55th anniversary is in a couple weeks. My sister came up with the original idea...I got a photo album with a cut out in the center of the cover, in which I put a picture of them on their wedding day. I wrote across the top "Happy 55th" and their wedding date across the bottom. All of us kids and grandkids are going to send anniversary cards and a certain amount of pictures. If everyone follows through they should get 55 pictures for the album. I also took over 4 different colored bouquets of carnations and miniature candy bars. The breakfast was great, the company better. It'll be fun to see the album when its filled.

Not much else happening today, which can be a good thing. I'm wearing my lucky shoes and keeping positive. I'm marking my calendar with big blue numbers after every treatment and looking at each one as another step on the journey.

Have a Super day and whether you watch the game or not...I wish you luck!

Snap Out Of It

I just love this picture! It shows how a part of me feels inside, sort of tough but with a lot of flare. The caption on the picture says "Snap out of it!" A good motto these days.

So, today I had my second radiation treatment...only 34-40 to go. Right now my appointments are at 7:40 a.m. which means I hit the wonderful morning traffic. I'm hoping to get them changed to later in the day. Mostly because I get so frustrated with the traffic that by the time I get there I'm angry and I don't like that. I don't want this to be an angry process. I'm listening to a wonderful mystery book on CDs, so that will definitely help.

I met with the counselor at the cancer center. I built a dollhouse a while ago and decided I wanted to find a mother going through treatments that I could just give it to. This counselor is amazing. One of those people that the second you meet them and shake their hand you immediately feel in the presence of goodness. Anyway, I showed her pictures of the dollhouse and told her my thoughts. Her face brightened and she said, "What do you think about this..." Apparently the center has a huge fundraiser every year and have a silent auction. By the end of the conversation, I had promised my dollhouse for the auction and said between now and then I would furnish it. What could be better than that? This way, a little girl will still get the house, but also I will help raise money for all the programs they offer for free. They have free massages, arts and crafts classes where they display the artwork (all done by cancer patients and survivors), singing groups, support groups, family nights, etc. All of those things are provided free of charge to the patients.

Although this wonderful woman tried her best to get me to commit to about everything, I didn't, but imagine I will get more involved when I'm not so busy. What I would really like to do is take a whole bunch of plain white tennis shoes and a big bag of fabric pens and just wander through the children's ward. I'd love to just sit with a couple kids and help them make their own lucky shoes. (I'll see if I can figure out how to put another picture in this post.) Wouldn't that be an amazing time?! Sounds like I need to get busy.

I've got to get back on a regular schedule of walking. I met Dad yesterday out where he walks everyday. It's an area filled with sagebrush, rabbits, quail, hawks, other birds, and the occasional mud holes...my dogs' favorite part. I forget how much I love to see the dogs doing what dogs do best...running, chasing rabbits, and smelling absolutely everything. By the time we were headed back to the Jeep, they both looked like they had on brown socks and face masks. I swear I heard them giggling as they jumped in the Jeep. I need to do that more often.

Well, that's about it for now. I appreciate you all for reading my thoughts...as mundane as they may be at times...and for thinking of me. So far so good!

Wonderful Family Weekend

So, Friday I went to the surgeon for a followup and so he could take out a stitch that was bothering me. We talked a lot about my experience in recovery. He is going to look into it and let me know more details. We had a positive visit, lighthearted on a serious subject. He commented on my M&M colored fingernail tips and said, "You are a party." I thought about it later and think its a wonderful thing to be.....a party. Better to be fun than not.

My parents had gone with me and then we met my son for lunch and a trip to Bass Pro Shop. A few more stops and then home. When we pulled up in front of my home I was met with the most amazing surprise. My brother, who won't get on a plane unless he's going to Alaska to fish, was sitting on the bench in front of my house with his girlfriend. I was simply overcome with surprise, shock, joy, and love. I cried as I hugged him and he held me tight. He said something like, "Hey Sis. I thought I'd come see how you're doing." I couldn't believe it. My parents had known nothing about it either and were equally surprised.

After a short visit, my parents went home and we spent the evening laughing, talking, and just being. We met my son at the casino and I wore my lucky shoes. Whether it was the shoes, my brother, the lady sitting next to me at the slots, or Divine intervention...I won $400! Amazing! I bought breakfast the next morning. We had an amazing weekend of family time, bird walks, heavy food and conversation. Funny how small a world can be when you are wrapped in a cocoon of family.

Though we spent actually very little time talking about my cancer, I felt so loved and supported simply by their presence. We may not see each other very often but it is understood that in a crisis we are One.

Tomorrow is my sort of rehearsal for my radiation treatments. I will find out what time my appointments will be and when they will actually start. I'll keep you posted.

Until then, if its been a while since you've touched base with your family members, take this as a reminder.

One More Time

So, here I am again...starting a second battle with breast cancer. Damn it. My plan is to use this blog as a journal of my journey. At this moment, I have no idea what words will flow through my fingers or in what order. Things will be what they will be.

So, I've had my surgeries. Oh! That is a story worth telling. I've never had any problems with surgery or anesthesia, that is until the last time. Surgery went fine. Then, in the recovery room I had what is apparently called a laryngeal spasm. I'm told it is a rare phenomenon. I was relaxing in the haze of anesthesia when all the sudden I gasped for breath...I absolutely could not breathe. I grabbed the handrails of the gurney and continued to panic for air. I remember a frenzy of people rushing around, medicines being ordered and being put in my IV. Someone put that rubber bag with mask (Ambu bag) over my face and was pushing air into my mouth and nose. I really have never felt such panic. I remember waiting for them to cut into my neck to place a tracheostomy.

During the extreme panic, my thoughts were so clear. We have all said, "I thought I was going to die." Well, while this was all happening, I Knew I was dying. In all the panic, I remember feeling acutely aware of the fact that everyone knows I love them, that I have lived a true life, that there was nothing I felt was undone in my life. In spite of the frenzy whirling around me, I felt a sense of peace, that it was okay. Then came the thoughts of my family, then sadness. I remember thinking how horrible it was going to be for my parents and son to be told I died. I felt a deep pain for the sorrow I knew the people who loved me would feel. Somewhere in all of this, I remember wondering if there was anything in my home I would be embarrassed to have someone find when they went through all my stuff.

I remember feeling a woman softly but firmly rubbing my arm and talking to me in a soothing calm voice. "You are going to be okay. I'm right here. You are having a laryngeal spasm. It is rare but happens. We know what to do and you will be okay...." I later found out her name was Madonna. How appropriate. Once I had calmed down and regained my breath I was able to relax......to only have it happen a second time. My thoughts are sort of jumbled as to when they actually happened, only know what they were. Sort of like a disjointed dream where you can only remember certain things.

So, this rare thing happened to two other people that day too. Needless to say, I'm on a mission to find out why. Anesthesia? Anesthesiologist? I'll keep you posted.

I was "mapped" yesterday in preparation for radiation to begin probably next week. I must say, it is surreal seeing all the same people that traveled this journey with me four years ago. Definitely an unwanted reunion, but...I am certainly blessed to have found the compassionate people I have along the way. Again, God is working in wonderful ways in my life. He continues to know what and who I need when and where. It truly is amazing.

Well, that's it for today.